CJB sailed away last week. I’m in contact with him as much as I can be, while he’s offshore (due to stops for weather, it’ll take him nearly two weeks to get to Key West), but my anxiety and worry and what-ifs have been driving me crazy.
I did end up falling for him. It got a little rough when he pulled some shenanigans that didn’t feel great to me, but we recovered. He left without either of us making any kind of declaration or promises to each other, except that I have an open invitation to visit him whenever I want this winter. I hope that he means it, because I’d like to.
I’m of two minds where CJB is concerned. On the one hand, he’s incredible and I have real feelings for him. And while I know I have perception issues when it comes to evaluating my worth, I know I’m a kickass partner. I give every single thing I have, and that’s a lot. I’m GREAT at loving. And because of that, I want to give that all to him. But – and this is a big but – he hasn’t made the same kind of declaration to me, aside from saying that one doesn’t find our kind of connection every day. So I have questions about whether or not he’ll be able to rise to my level. I know he’s capable, but I’m not sure that’s the path he’s going to take.
So what do I do? Wait it out?
I hate waiting.
Waiting makes me feel like a jewelry box ballerina, only “alive” when someone is paying attention to me. I don’t want to live my life strapped to my phone, hoping he’ll text me back. That’s no kind of life, and even if I did it, it wouldn’t necessarily net me the result I want. But I struggle with needing attention, needing to feel like someone cares, and it leads me to doing exactly that – sending evocative messages and then waiting for a response.
So I guess the question is this: how do I break the habit of seeking attention? I have things to keep me busy, but there’s always a little alone time that seems to get me in trouble. While he’s in transit my phone is close so I can keep tabs on where he is on the planet (the boat and crew, too, obviously. Late October is no great time to be sailing the North Atlantic), and I’m thrilled when he calls so I can hear that he’s doing well. But once he’s in Key West, I’m going to have to let that go. HOW is the question. I don’t want to replace him with another dude. I want to be okay being on my own for once.
I have this theory that people are either lighthouses or lifeboats. A lifeboat person will go after someone, try to save them, care for them, be what they need when they need it, and basically exist to help that other person. That’s who I was in my marriage, it’s who I was with B … it’s been my default setting for too long. Instead, I’d rather be a lighthouse. Over here, doing my thing, giving off light that you can bask in or not; the choice is entirely yours, and that choice affects me not one whit.
I’m starting winter run training this week, I’m back to clean eating and fitness and working on my house, my finances, and my side job. Funny how that looks like a lot and yet still leaves me too much time to fret mentally that maybe CJB will forget how awesome I am in the ensuing months.
I saw a quote on pinterest (I’m paraphrasing) that said, “if it’s out of your hands, it should be out of your mind, too.” Girl’s gotta point. I can’t do ANYTHING about it right now. I shouldn’t be obsessing over it. I need to go get my shine on.
If anyone has any tips on how to do that, I’d love to hear them.