I’m back in Maine after successfully sailing my boat to Grenada. I was able to get a pair of very salty sailors to come with me and was blessed with favorable winds and becalmed seas, so we had an uneventful and speedy passage.
Due to the chaotic season I had I’d largely shelved doing the work of processing the end of my and #CJB’s relationship/friendship/partnership. Im doing that work now and it sucks. Diving deep into why I care(d) so much has been enlightening, but damn do I kind of hate myself.
One of my major resources as I do this work is Mark Groves (@createthelove). He is a relationship expert and dishes out truth bombs and tough love about why we put ourselves through so much bullshit when it comes to love. It was Mark who initially taught me about limiting beliefs – the lie that you were raised to regard as truth. My limiting belief is that I am inherently unlovable. This was the lie my narcisistic mother made me believe was a fact. It is why I overgive in relationships, it is why I push people during arguments (convinced they will eventually tell me how they “really” feel), and why I simply do not give up on people – if I can just make them love me, it will prove that the limiting belief is a lie.
Listen, I know how fucked up that is. I’ve done SO much work on loving myself, on setting my own definitions for integrity, success, value, and worth, and aligning myself to those definitions. I’ve mostly become someone who is aware of her own badassery and doesn’t seek validation from others.
Except #CJB, of course. My repeating of my gernational trauma with him was a huge setback and to be completely honest is still much more open wound than scar. I was listening to a Mark Groves webinar on letting go and he said something that resonated: “If you’re still holding space for someone to potentially come back to or re-engage with you, you’re putting the power to let go and gain closure on them. If you give away that power, you can’t ever fully move on.”
This. This is where I’ve discovered I’ve been sitting. While I haven’t reached out to #CJB with words, I did send him a bithday e-card. Why did I do that? Because I’m still trying to “win.” I know that his ex gf not wishing him a happy birthday or Merry Christmas always bothered him, and I wanted to make sure that he couldn’t say that about me. That way, if we ever started talking again, I wouldn’t have been the worst ex he had.
Jesus Christ. I still care about the opinion of that toxic, abusive narcisist. I am so ashamed of myself. Further work has made clear that John didn’t so much break through my boundaries as much as I took them down for him in an effort to make him prove that limiting belief to be a lie. Which he cannot possibly do as that has to come from ME. *I* have to decide that I am indeed lovable. Most of the time I have although it has been pointed out to me that I still act often as though I have something to prove. Part of that is being a woman in a male dominated field. Part of that is still me pushing my wound into the world and asking people to heal it. I’m working on it. #CJB was both a setback and a lesson.
This work is as important as it is hard and I am aware that hating myself is part of the process. I am going to be working on lessening #CJB’s power by taking it back for myself. Poet Chloe Frayne wrote, “I was always so afraid of losing people that it took me a long time to understand that I am somebody who can be lost, too.” He lost me. I need to stop looking for him as though I was the one who lost him. I chose to go no contact. I chose to sever the bond between us. The more I reframe the end of us as something I have power over, the more powerful I feel. This is what I need to be working on.